2013 KENT OPEN
nOvemBER 10
Lost Island Adventure Golf Course, Sidcup
Results from the Competition can be found at http://www.kentminigolfclub.co.uk/2013KO/result.htm
THE 2010, 2011 AND 2012 BRITISH CLUB CHAMPIONS
2013 KENT OPEN
nOvemBER 10
Lost Island Adventure Golf Course, Sidcup
Results from the Competition can be found at http://www.kentminigolfclub.co.uk/2013KO/result.htm
Forword by Sean 'Freebird' Homer.
As another season draws to a close, the KMGC hosted their Open tournament in November - marking the end of the BMGA strokeplay season and the penultimate event of 2013. It's always a great event and myself and the rest of the club would like to say a big thank you to everyone who took part, making it another superb entry into the annals of the Kent Open.
And to mark the occasion I am delighted to introduce our newest reporter, gracing the pages of our website and the first to come from outside of the hallowed ranks of the KMGC, step forward my fellow two time Kent Open winner and self proclaimed greatest player in the history of the KO (more of that later), Mr Seth 'Clockwork Orange' Thomas.
So settle back, pour yourself a light refreshing drink, take the phone off the hook and prepare to enjoy this historic event as we hand over the reigns of our own website to the Cambridgeshire Bard.
Drum roll please as we embark on a journey through time and space....
The Eighth Kent Open
by Seth 'Clockwork Orange' Thomas.
Before
I begin the report proper may I invite you to play this tune to accompany it:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2H1wBoLw484
While
I cannot promise this report will create the controversy of the 2012 Club Championship
report I know for certain it won’t create the controversy of Jan Moir’s ghost
written article in the World Crazies Pamphlet. This report will have a quality
none of its forebears quite reached. (note to reader, read the next line out
loud).
This report will be EPIC.
This isn’t your bog standard reviewing of facts and statistics that theuninformed think minigolf is all about.
Minigolf
isn’t about winning or losing. It certainly isn’t about the taking part. It’s
not about balls going in holes. Or balls spinning around the cup. It’s not
about putting, aces or perfect pars. Nor is it about being robbed and fiddled
or jiffing shots.
It’s
about heart, people fighting to the metaphorical death, for pride, for the
opportunity to give a boring repetitive speech, to get onto the BMGA roll of
honour. Most importantly of all it’s about getting an article on minigolf news.
Hold
on one second… Right, ah, OK. Darn it.
Turns
out I was wrong. Minigolf is just
about getting the ball into the hole with as few strokes as possible. It is
simply who posts the best statistics. Sorry about that.
The
Kent Open was once again on Remembrance Sunday. A day when we remember the
brave, the fallen. Those who gave us the opportunity to indulge in the
trivialities of twenty first century life. As ever the two minute silence was
observed with great dignity during the tournament.
Thirty
one people took advantage of their sacrifices, and yet again the Kent Open was
one of the biggest tournaments of the year. Helped in no small part by being
one of the clubs that actually hold their club open every year.
Three
of the five men to have graced the KO winner’s circle were once again competing.
Sean, Andy and Seth were considered as favourites for the title. Would we have
a first female winner like in the World Crazies? Not yet, one day perhaps.
Apparently Helen Mirren is keen.
The twice defending champion Mr Seth Thomas and (editors note 1 - the second) best
ever player in the history of the Kent Open (what do you have to say to that
editor? Bring it on! editors note 2 – I think I just have) arrived on the Saturday looking unusually dapper
in a smart blazer. Cursory glances and word exchanges with hoi polloi who were
trying to grapple his title away from him ensued. Before he got to the more
important task of practising hitting a ball into holes. Despite his rivalry
with the (second) greatest player in the
history of the Kent Open and
Also
at the tournament was the British Number One. The best British Player since Tim
Davies, Mr Michael Smith. The Kent Open is not one of his favourite tournaments
especially since it changed to the one ball format. Michael hates only being
able to use one ball. In fact he revealed in
Another contender was James Rutherford unfortunately he was overwhelmed by the
quality of players on the entry list so withdrew.
The
last big contenders for the title were Adam and Tony Kelly who in the previous
three years had monopolised second place.
Prior
to the tournament Seth had declared his intention to retain his title by
paraphrasing a speech from Doctor Who.
Now the question of the
hour is, "Who's got the Kent Open title?" Answer: I do. Next
question: Who's coming to take it from me? Come on! Look at me! No putter, no
minigolf balls, no practise! Oh, and something else I don't have: Anything to
lose! So! If you're sitting there in your silly little swivel chairs with all
your silly little putters and you've got any plans on taking the Kent Open on
Sunday, just remember who's standing in your way! Remember every Kent Open I
ever stopped you and then, and then... do the smart thing: Let somebody else
try first". #savetheday
This was first described as a cider induced rant. On the day of the Kent Open
however Terry Exall enquired whether Seth had got Praggers to write his
'speech'. I concur; some of Moffat's writing is incomprehensible and baffling.
And can certainly be described as Pragnalian. We will return to this quite
extraordinary fellow later and I am not talking about Moffat - fingers crossed
he does not muck up 'Day of the Doctor' next week.
And so to Saturday's KIT (Kent Invitational Tournament), the KIT is most famous
for providing us with the Kent Open factoid ''The winner of the KIT has never
gone on to win the Kent Open''.
Unfortunately
it no longer holds that distinction.
Speaking of factoids I have picked a random selection for your delectation.
·
Seth is the only player
in the history of the Kent Open to defend the title.
·
Seth was the youngest
ever winner of the Kent Open at the tender age of 17.
·
Seth hit the lowest round
in the history of the Kent Open, a quite extraordinary 30.
·
Seth holds the lowest
ever winning average for the Kent Open of 33.
Dealing with the horrible wet weather extremely well, Michael Smith won the KIT
for a third time after Adam Kelly jiffed Hole 17. Deary me, only a terrible
player would completely muck up that hole in a competition...
A
family double was achieved here as Chris Smith won the Guest Kent Invitational
Tournament GKIT (pronounced with a silent K, © Tony Kelly) by a shot from Seth
Thomas who failed to retain his title from the previous year.
Prior
to the Kent Open there was much speculation about balls. Much like the Doctor
Who production team, the Captain of Kent Minigolf Club did not release any
information till fairly late.
However
as it turned out it was worth the wait.
The
new Kent Open Ball or KOB was a nice red colour (though I would have preferred
it to be orange for obvious reasons and it still didn't have my face on,
grrrrrr) with reasonable properties for playing at Sidcup. It appeared to have
been enjoying Christmas early though feeling remarkably hefty in the hand.
ediors note 3 - If you want
to know more about this ball, marvel at its beauty and perhaps even buy
one, then check out http://www.kentminigolfclub.co.uk/KOball.htm
And
so on to the Kent Open. A fairly nice morning greeted the participants. An
overly long nap between 6 and 10pm a consequence of his pathetic exertions in
the KGIT (the K is silent) meant that the defending champion had not slept all
night. A curiously late tribute to Maggie Thatcher perhaps? His miseries were further
compounded when he discovered the tournament was to tee off at 10.00am not
9.00am. ''I would of * enjoyed that extra hour of trying to sleep'' he said.
Leading the way after the first round was Adam Kelly with a clean 33. The
youngster was in fine fettle. Hang about why am I writing this? There's a
results link above. Michael won again that's all you need to know. We all
prefer gossip anyway.
A
day or two before the Kent Open,
Aside
from trying to retain the Kent Open my goal that weekend was to unearth why
Tiger had seen fit to block the polite, charming and modest fellow that I am.
This
goal I did achieve.
Apparently
it was because I posted a three second clip of UKIP leader Nigel Farage saying
baffling.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iLeyp5QXLnk
It
may be surprising to some but UKIP is actually a very popular Party among
students. You see, sleep is very important to us.
I
apologised to Tiger for this and he said he would unblock me.
This
is yet to occur though.
In
what may be a first for a minigolf report someone requested that their witty
quotation be included within the report. This pioneering fellow was Tiger
Pragnell who when Sean Homer was explaining who was eligible for the junior
trophy said ''If I cut my legs off will I count as a junior?.'' Your wish is my
command. Will you unblock me now please Sa..Tiger?
Following
a rubbish three rounds from me. as aptly observed by Martin Greenhead ''He
looks like he is about to cry’', I decided to cheer myself up by having a chat
with the winner Mr Michael Smith who had come from four shots behind Sean with
nine holes to go to win the Kent Open, a testament to his never say die
attitude. He also won the inaugural Champions Cup - even a complex handicap
system was unable to stop this winning machine.
Below
is a rough transcript.
''Well
done Michael for winning. At least you beating Sean means I'm still the
greatest player in the history of the Kent Open.''
''Thanks.
Well surely Sean would argue that his coming second shows he is a better Kent
Open player?''
''Irrelevant
people don't remember who came second they only remember the person with their
name on the trophy.''
''Haha
you should put that in the report''
So
I did.
As it happens people do not remember the winners either. A certain experienced
minigolfer who will remain nameless seemed bemused that Andy Exall had
previously won the Kent Open.
As
a consequence of this and to try and preserve the memory of Kent Open winners I
am having pictures taken with all of them. Watch out Nick Chitty and Steve
Vallory!
Another
well deserved award winner over the Kent Open weekend was Marion Homer who won
the VTK Shield for all the hard work she does to help minigolf. Even though it
is usually mentioned in the winner's speech after a tournament it is well worth
remembering that this hard work isn't just on the day of the tournament but all
year round.
The day was rounded off with a turbo challenge match against Pragnell who
showed it might be worth having the operation and joining the junior ranks
defeating
Not
long after the tournament had finished retiree Marc Chapman waded in with an
insightful piece of minigolf punditry posting ‘’27 that is all’’ to Facebook. A
mix between Mark Lawrenson and Andy Townsend it would not surprise me at all if
Marc soon started commanding six figure sums like Adrian Chiles. Let's hope his
impending litigation against Mr Pragnell for libel does not get in the way of
his burgeoning media career.
The
next day Seth Thomas was meant to go to
If you’re still reading but the music has finished you must be an incredibly
slow reader. Practice reading please. If you did not even bother to play the
music. Well shame on you. Every time someone asks me to do something online I
do it. Only the other day following advice from an online forum I... well I
won't go into it. But no harm has ever come from it. Hold on a second there's
banging at the door. I won't be a moment. Wait. No I'm sorraarghhhkjgfjoogoi…
* Early Christmas present for
Your
author says “If you enjoyed this silly minigolf report perhaps you would like
to try the Megabowl 2013 Report - http://www.kentminigolfclub.co.uk/2013MB.htm“
Go
on, you know you want to…
ATB
(from your author)
And
a final word from your editor and still
the greatest Kent Open player ever…
We're always keen to hear from Kent based minigolfers
- where do you play? what's your favourite course?
and if you're interested in joining the Kent Minigolf Club and want to know more
then why not drop us a line at admin@kentminigolfclub.co.uk