"unus putt rego lemma totus"

Welcome to the home of the Kent Minigolf Club!

nOvemBER 10

Lost Island Adventure Golf Course, Sidcup

Results from the Competition can be found at

Forword by Sean 'Freebird' Homer.

As another season draws to a close, the KMGC hosted their Open tournament in November - marking the end of the BMGA strokeplay season and the penultimate event of 2013. It's always a great event and myself and the rest of the club would like to say a big thank you to everyone who took part, making it another superb entry into the annals of the Kent Open.

And to mark the occasion I am delighted to introduce our newest reporter, gracing the pages of our website and the first to come from outside of the hallowed ranks of the KMGC, step forward my fellow two time Kent Open winner and self proclaimed greatest player in the history of the KO (more of that later), Mr Seth 'Clockwork Orange' Thomas.

So settle back, pour yourself a light refreshing drink, take the phone off the hook and prepare to enjoy this historic event as we hand over the reigns of our own website to the Cambridgeshire Bard.

Drum roll please as we embark on a journey through time and space....


The Eighth Kent Open

by Seth 'Clockwork Orange' Thomas.

Before I begin the report proper may I invite you to play this tune to accompany it:

While I cannot promise this report will create the controversy of the 2012 Club Championship report I know for certain it won’t create the controversy of Jan Moir’s ghost written article in the World Crazies Pamphlet. This report will have a quality none of its forebears quite reached. (note to reader, read the next line out loud).

This report will be EPIC.

This isn’t your bog standard reviewing of facts and statistics that theuninformed think minigolf is all about.

Minigolf isn’t about winning or losing. It certainly isn’t about the taking part. It’s not about balls going in holes. Or balls spinning around the cup. It’s not about putting, aces or perfect pars. Nor is it about being robbed and fiddled or jiffing shots.

It’s about heart, people fighting to the metaphorical death, for pride, for the opportunity to give a boring repetitive speech, to get onto the BMGA roll of honour. Most importantly of all it’s about getting an article on minigolf news.

Hold on one second… Right, ah, OK. Darn it.

Turns out I was wrong. Minigolf is just about getting the ball into the hole with as few strokes as possible. It is simply who posts the best statistics. Sorry about that.

The Kent Open was once again on Remembrance Sunday. A day when we remember the brave, the fallen. Those who gave us the opportunity to indulge in the trivialities of twenty first century life. As ever the two minute silence was observed with great dignity during the tournament.

Thirty one people took advantage of their sacrifices, and yet again the Kent Open was one of the biggest tournaments of the year. Helped in no small part by being one of the clubs that actually hold their club open every year.

Three of the five men to have graced the KO winner’s circle were once again competing. Sean, Andy and Seth were considered as favourites for the title. Would we have a first female winner like in the World Crazies? Not yet, one day perhaps. Apparently Helen Mirren is keen.

The twice defending champion Mr Seth Thomas and (editors note 1 - the second) best ever player in the history of the Kent Open (what do you have to say to that editor? Bring it on! editors note 2 – I think I just have) arrived on the Saturday looking unusually dapper in a smart blazer. Cursory glances and word exchanges with hoi polloi who were trying to grapple his title away from him ensued. Before he got to the more important task of practising hitting a ball into holes. Despite his rivalry with the (second) greatest player in the history of the Kent Open and Kent legend Sean Homer, his putter was returned to him by Sean in perfect condition. Well not quite perfect, it still showed Seth's incompetencies with double sided tape but certainly in the same condition it was left.

Also at the tournament was the British Number One. The best British Player since Tim Davies, Mr Michael Smith. The Kent Open is not one of his favourite tournaments especially since it changed to the one ball format. Michael hates only being able to use one ball. In fact he revealed in Germany that if the BMGA became a one ball only tour he would never play again despite absolutely loving minigolf. It is clear his dedication to balls knows no bounds.

Another contender was James Rutherford unfortunately he was overwhelmed by the quality of players on the entry list so withdrew.

The last big contenders for the title were Adam and Tony Kelly who in the previous three years had monopolised second place.

Prior to the tournament Seth had declared his intention to retain his title by paraphrasing a speech from Doctor Who.

Now the question of the hour is, "Who's got the Kent Open title?" Answer: I do. Next question: Who's coming to take it from me? Come on! Look at me! No putter, no minigolf balls, no practise! Oh, and something else I don't have: Anything to lose! So! If you're sitting there in your silly little swivel chairs with all your silly little putters and you've got any plans on taking the Kent Open on Sunday, just remember who's standing in your way! Remember every Kent Open I ever stopped you and then, and then... do the smart thing: Let somebody else try first". #savetheday

This was first described as a cider induced rant. On the day of the Kent Open however Terry Exall enquired whether Seth had got Praggers to write his 'speech'. I concur; some of Moffat's writing is incomprehensible and baffling. And can certainly be described as Pragnalian. We will return to this quite extraordinary fellow later and I am not talking about Moffat - fingers crossed he does not muck up 'Day of the Doctor' next week.

And so to Saturday's KIT (Kent Invitational Tournament), the KIT is most famous for providing us with the Kent Open factoid ''The winner of the KIT has never gone on to win the Kent Open''.

Unfortunately it no longer holds that distinction.

Speaking of factoids I have picked a random selection for your delectation.

·       Seth is the only player in the history of the Kent Open to defend the title.

·       Seth was the youngest ever winner of the Kent Open at the tender age of 17.

·       Seth hit the lowest round in the history of the Kent Open, a quite extraordinary 30.

·       Seth holds the lowest ever winning average for the Kent Open of 33.

Dealing with the horrible wet weather extremely well, Michael Smith won the KIT for a third time after Adam Kelly jiffed Hole 17. Deary me, only a terrible player would completely muck up that hole in a competition...

A family double was achieved here as Chris Smith won the Guest Kent Invitational Tournament GKIT (pronounced with a silent K, © Tony Kelly) by a shot from Seth Thomas who failed to retain his title from the previous year.

Prior to the Kent Open there was much speculation about balls. Much like the Doctor Who production team, the Captain of Kent Minigolf Club did not release any information till fairly late.

However as it turned out it was worth the wait.

The new Kent Open Ball or KOB was a nice red colour (though I would have preferred it to be orange for obvious reasons and it still didn't have my face on, grrrrrr) with reasonable properties for playing at Sidcup. It appeared to have been enjoying Christmas early though feeling remarkably hefty in the hand.

ediors note 3 - If you want to know more about this ball, marvel at its beauty and perhaps even buy one, then check out

And so on to the Kent Open. A fairly nice morning greeted the participants. An overly long nap between 6 and 10pm a consequence of his pathetic exertions in the KGIT (the K is silent) meant that the defending champion had not slept all night. A curiously late tribute to Maggie Thatcher perhaps? His miseries were further compounded when he discovered the tournament was to tee off at 10.00am not 9.00am. ''I would of * enjoyed that extra hour of trying to sleep'' he said.

Leading the way after the first round was Adam Kelly with a clean 33. The youngster was in fine fettle. Hang about why am I writing this? There's a results link above. Michael won again that's all you need to know. We all prefer gossip anyway.

A day or two before the Kent Open, Richard Gottfried had invited me to look at something Tiger Pragnell had posted on Facebook which he described as Gisbourneesque. To briefly explain Mick Gisbourne is an interesting fellow from Bournemouth who has been a minigolf course supervisor he is constantly on Facebook and likes every single thing that he posts on it. I was unable to see this post. I quickly realised that I had been - 'gasp' - blocked.

Aside from trying to retain the Kent Open my goal that weekend was to unearth why Tiger had seen fit to block the polite, charming and modest fellow that I am.

This goal I did achieve.

Apparently it was because I posted a three second clip of UKIP leader Nigel Farage saying baffling.

It may be surprising to some but UKIP is actually a very popular Party among students. You see, sleep is very important to us.

I apologised to Tiger for this and he said he would unblock me.

This is yet to occur though.

In what may be a first for a minigolf report someone requested that their witty quotation be included within the report. This pioneering fellow was Tiger Pragnell who when Sean Homer was explaining who was eligible for the junior trophy said ''If I cut my legs off will I count as a junior?.'' Your wish is my command. Will you unblock me now please Sa..Tiger?

Following a rubbish three rounds from me. as aptly observed by Martin Greenhead ''He looks like he is about to cry’', I decided to cheer myself up by having a chat with the winner Mr Michael Smith who had come from four shots behind Sean with nine holes to go to win the Kent Open, a testament to his never say die attitude. He also won the inaugural Champions Cup - even a complex handicap system was unable to stop this winning machine.

Below is a rough transcript.

''Well done Michael for winning. At least you beating Sean means I'm still the greatest player in the history of the Kent Open.''

''Thanks. Well surely Sean would argue that his coming second shows he is a better Kent Open player?''

''Irrelevant people don't remember who came second they only remember the person with their name on the trophy.''

''Haha you should put that in the report''

So I did.

As it happens people do not remember the winners either. A certain experienced minigolfer who will remain nameless seemed bemused that Andy Exall had previously won the Kent Open.

As a consequence of this and to try and preserve the memory of Kent Open winners I am having pictures taken with all of them. Watch out Nick Chitty and Steve Vallory!

Another well deserved award winner over the Kent Open weekend was Marion Homer who won the VTK Shield for all the hard work she does to help minigolf. Even though it is usually mentioned in the winner's speech after a tournament it is well worth remembering that this hard work isn't just on the day of the tournament but all year round.

The day was rounded off with a turbo challenge match against Pragnell who showed it might be worth having the operation and joining the junior ranks defeating Britain's best junior Adam Kelly comfortably to win a pint.

Not long after the tournament had finished retiree Marc Chapman waded in with an insightful piece of minigolf punditry posting ‘’27 that is all’’ to Facebook. A mix between Mark Lawrenson and Andy Townsend it would not surprise me at all if Marc soon started commanding six figure sums like Adrian Chiles. Let's hope his impending litigation against Mr Pragnell for libel does not get in the way of his burgeoning media career.

The next day Seth Thomas was meant to go to Basingstoke with James Rutherford but following recent practice of his withdrawal technique, James pulled out at the last moment. Without the requisite balls to practice Seth wasn't able to go. ''I should have seen it coming''. Oh well. Looks like Kent will ‘Sebastian Vettel’ the field in a week's time at the Club Championships.

If you’re still reading but the music has finished you must be an incredibly slow reader. Practice reading please. If you did not even bother to play the music. Well shame on you. Every time someone asks me to do something online I do it. Only the other day following advice from an online forum I... well I won't go into it. But no harm has ever come from it. Hold on a second there's banging at the door. I won't be a moment. Wait. No I'm sorraarghhhkjgfjoogoi…

* Early Christmas present for Richard Gottfried.

Your author says “If you enjoyed this silly minigolf report perhaps you would like to try the Megabowl 2013 Report -

Go on, you know you want to…

ATB (from your author)

And a final word from your editor and still the greatest Kent Open player ever…

We're always keen to hear from Kent based minigolfers
- where do you play? what's your favourite course?
and if you're interested in joining the Kent Minigolf Club and want to know more

then why not drop us a line at